Eight Reasons You Need a Love Guru
No, I’m not talking about Mike Meyers and that bomb of a movie.
In the Indian tradition, a guru is a learned guide, someone you can trust who has great experience in a subject.
A love guru is a trusted guide who can help you understand what is necessary to find and keep love.
We don’t have courses in school on this subject, nor do most parents even talk to or teach their children information about this subject. What we learn, we learn from experiencing the relationships of our parents—often not the best model for the subject since 50% of marriages end in divorce and another percent of marriage just aren’t that great. And few people know about or participate in the psycho-educational workshops or groups about relationships available in some areas for singles.
Most singles are left relying on their own intuition and incomplete or faulty knowledge during their confusing quest for a lasting love relationship.
Where to find a love guru
Look around. Who do you know who has a great relationship? A long-term, fulfilling relationship that is still thriving? Maybe your grandparents or parents, maybe a friend or another relative.
Find someone. Become a captive audience. Sit at the guru’s knees and ask specific questions for guidance.
This person is your own personal love guru, and you need this guru because you can learn:
How the guru “vetted” potential mates
What screening process did the guru use to make sure the person was an appropriate partner? Often when people “fall in love,” they just go for it. In other words, they don’t give themselves the opportunity to see the warning signs that this person may not be “the one.” For example, they don’t find out what their closest friend or family think about the person, or they ignore comments that they get from those closest to them.
Your love guru can tell you about what they did to insure that their mate was the right person, beyond the initial attraction or lust. Compare this to how you have done so in the past.
How to decide to commit
What made the guru decide to commit to his/her partner? How did the guru know this was the right person? Ask your guru for specifics and examples. Did your guru commit because of shared values? A similar view of the future? Similar backgrounds? Communication style? What was the tipping point that preceded the commitment?
Effective ways of handling conflict
How do the guru and his/her partner handle conflict? Ask for specific examples so you can really get a sense of what happens in an argument. You may be from a family where arguments are never resolved, so you may not know how this can happen. Your guru can enlighten you on ways that conflict can actually bring couples closer rather than creating a chasm between them.
Ways to get through the bad times
What have been the guru’s greatest challenges in the relationship and how did the couple handled those challenges? How did they communicate during the trying time? Where did they get help? You may find out that your guru and partner have lived through major grief, disaster, and disappointment, or periods of depression and apathy.
The “happily ever after” myth that we grow up with can do great damage to relationships. Finding out what your love guru has experienced in a long-term relationship can bring a realism to your quest for relationship that is necessary for longevity.
How to create happiness in a relationship
How do the guru and partner spark positive feelings in their relationship? Ask for examples of the little things they do to find happiness within themselves and make each other happy.
It could be a ritual, a touch, a habit of surprising the other. Here you are asking your guru to share some of the most intimate parts of a working relationship. You may find out how much the small things make a difference.
How to make up
What do the guru and partner do to repair the relationship when they have hurt each other’s feelings? No relationship exists without conflict, hurt, and anger. In relationships that last, people figure out ways to mend the damage and to heal each other’s emotional hurts. Again, if you ask for examples and can understand a pattern of relating from the examples, a whole new way of looking at the process of fighting and making up may open up for you.
How to keep the relationship interesting
What topics have the couple talked about most during their relationship and, more importantly, how do they listen to each other?
The question, “How do they listen to each other?” is an odd one. The intention of the question is to get at the couple’s attitudes toward each other. Are they curious? Are they accepting? Are they bored? It is also to find out how they make the effort to understand each other and show each other that they are still interested.
For example, your guru may tell you that he/she has been listening to similar stories about what’s been happening at the partner’s work for 25 years. The guru tries to always make an effort to be curious about the story and more importantly curious about why his/her partner has chosen to tell the story. Often there is a chance for emotional connection in hearing and responding to a mundane story. A love guru can explain this.
How to make it last
What is the most important thing the guru and partner have consistently done to keep their love strong? The answer may surprise you. I cannot predict how the guru will answer. It may be something that they have avoided doing rather than something they do. It may be a small habit they keep. Whatever it is, you can learn from it something about the way couples take care of each other.
Translate understanding into action
If you are the child of parents who are relationship gurus (meaning they have a long-term successful relationship) or you are very close to another guru couple, you may intuitively know how happy couples choose each other and function together. If you are not, a deep conversation or two with a love guru can help you understand what makes a relationship work.
Now, go into the world and apply what you have learned from your love guru to your own quest for a relationship that lasts.
